And if you are not sure about something, then I say have no part in it. Somehow I know that I’ll be here when you figure that out, and it’ll either break my heart or it won’t. Either way, it will be worth it because when you are sure of something, it is more beautiful than the result and how it affects me.

not here at all

maybe i should be working on my project, and maybe i shouldn’t have bought an apron at walmart today. maybe i should’ve thought of going into nursing three years ago, and maybe tomorrow morning my parents will walk in the door & find me on the couch, at home, instead of at school. And maybe just maybe, the reason i feel that “home” is no longer home is because, its not.

i ventured out to walmart today. I went, mostly because i did not know what to do with myself at home.

if you know me at all, you know that i would rather go gorcery-esque shopping, than go clothes shopping. If you knew me, you would also know that if i go to a “superstore” type place i would rather go accompanied rather than alone. That’s mostly because i tend to wander. Target is my biggest hole, i just roam, discovering a new item on every lap.

I digress.

After i nearly begged my 14 year old cousin to come with me, i dragged me feet all. the. way. to. Ken (my car).

I dont know if it was because today was gloomy and cold, but every corner, every store, every park, every stoplight, every place, reminded me of something. The memories ranged from Chestnut park at age 5 to the last time Brian, Isaiah and I were all home.

On the corner of North & Wolf Rd, I watched a group of young kids bike across the busy street and somehow that broke the bubble of my bittersweet nostalgia. i realized that all i once knew is no longer resides here.

The memories are great but they cannot be mistaken for truth. The distant laughter and faded pain declare the Grace of God. In an all-together crazy beautiful way, the Lord has allowed them to contribute to where i am now. it just so happens that where i am is not here.

NO, it is not here at all.

what i know, Who i know, what & Who defines me does not lie within the walls of my bright green my bedroom. it cannot be found in the hallways of my high school, and it does not linger on drive to Army Trail Road. 

The most beautiful thing is that those places cannot contain the Power of He who has overcome my life—and overcome all. 

Home has always been a rut magnet for me. Being back always gives me the impression that it is okay to slip back into complacency. i don’t know if that’s because everything is so familiar, or because i expect nothing extraordinary.

Nonetheless, today, that feeling did not come. Instead, a Holy fear took its place.

Woe, is me, if allow the familiarity of a place such as “home” to overcome all that i know.

Woe is me, if i hinder the soul-changing Holy Spirit of the Lord with my expectations of normality.

Woe is me, if i question my lack of a place here.

(sigh)

It is not that today i didn’t feel welcomed at home, it is that the home is no longer here.

where is it?.. you might ask.

it doesn’t have an actual location yet, but it is not of this world.

Sincerely & with love,

Yessenia


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