The Lord is my Portion

I believe in a light that shines
in a voice that finds me in the darkest place
I believe in an endless love whose everything
He’s breath and life to me
I believe God has a son, his only one
and He gave him up for me
I believe in the risen one, His kingdom’s here
Death’s overcome in me
I believe He loves me 3x
That’s all I need to know
I believe in a peace that rules 
over trials and storms and fear that can be so cruel I believe in a wind that blows
In a Holy Ghost and His fire is consuming me

im not deleting this tumblr because it has some good writings, but i have moved to blogger for a new look and a new feel.

here is the link…. follow my writings. pretty please.

http://forgivnesslikeacrown.blogspot.com/

i will still use this to reblog and such.

love you all.

maybe i should be working on my project, and maybe i shouldn’t have bought an apron at walmart today. maybe i should’ve thought of going into nursing three years ago, and maybe tomorrow morning my parents will walk in the door & find me on the couch, at home, instead of at school. And maybe just maybe, the reason i feel that “home” is no longer home is because, its not.

i ventured out to walmart today. I went, mostly because i did not know what to do with myself at home.

if you know me at all, you know that i would rather go gorcery-esque shopping, than go clothes shopping. If you knew me, you would also know that if i go to a “superstore” type place i would rather go accompanied rather than alone. That’s mostly because i tend to wander. Target is my biggest hole, i just roam, discovering a new item on every lap.

I digress.

After i nearly begged my 14 year old cousin to come with me, i dragged me feet all. the. way. to. Ken (my car).

I dont know if it was because today was gloomy and cold, but every corner, every store, every park, every stoplight, every place, reminded me of something. The memories ranged from Chestnut park at age 5 to the last time Brian, Isaiah and I were all home.

On the corner of North & Wolf Rd, I watched a group of young kids bike across the busy street and somehow that broke the bubble of my bittersweet nostalgia. i realized that all i once knew is no longer resides here.

The memories are great but they cannot be mistaken for truth. The distant laughter and faded pain declare the Grace of God. In an all-together crazy beautiful way, the Lord has allowed them to contribute to where i am now. it just so happens that where i am is not here.

NO, it is not here at all.

what i know, Who i know, what & Who defines me does not lie within the walls of my bright green my bedroom. it cannot be found in the hallways of my high school, and it does not linger on drive to Army Trail Road. 

The most beautiful thing is that those places cannot contain the Power of He who has overcome my life—and overcome all. 

Home has always been a rut magnet for me. Being back always gives me the impression that it is okay to slip back into complacency. i don’t know if that’s because everything is so familiar, or because i expect nothing extraordinary.

Nonetheless, today, that feeling did not come. Instead, a Holy fear took its place.

Woe, is me, if allow the familiarity of a place such as “home” to overcome all that i know.

Woe is me, if i hinder the soul-changing Holy Spirit of the Lord with my expectations of normality.

Woe is me, if i question my lack of a place here.

(sigh)

It is not that today i didn’t feel welcomed at home, it is that the home is no longer here.

where is it?.. you might ask.

it doesn’t have an actual location yet, but it is not of this world.

Sincerely & with love,

Yessenia

i will update soon but as for now, this post by Rachel McGowan describes my state perfectly. 

yesterday changed everything. Lots of things have to be altered: my thinking, my habits, my tendencies, where my mind wanders & it hurts, it sucks, but i will continue to choose it. i will embrace it and i will not turn back.

i cannot turn back.

Jesus will help me and He is my witness. He knows and He hears and i seek to trust Him more.

(click on “this post”)

Ten weeks in.

I have have been back in Champaign- Urbana for 10 weeks. I’ve been working as the Senior Desk Clerk position for about 10 weeks. And, I have been doing the class thing all over again for about 8 weeks. 

I have gone home twice (maybe thrice). I have missed my two brothers more than any other time in my life. I have seen my extended family almost fall apart, only to stand up under the shadow of the Most High. I have seen the bilingual communication barrier come crashing down with the power of love and Jesus Christ, but I have also seen it rise again due to pride and haughtiness.  

I have chosen to miss out on Florida. I have never been more scared for my brother and my cousins as they make their way through the high school years. I know the pain all too well.

I have seen my sister more often than in the past 2 years. Yet, I wish it was still more.

So far, i have cried less about big things and have cried more about simple things. Somehow, it has allowed me to feel more. 

I have gone grocery shopping more times than I can remember, and I have spent more money than I can count. I must rely on a kind soul to offer me a ride somewhere so i can, “get stuff done”. I have never missed Ken (my car) so much. 

I have managed to make it 8 weeks without using the unnaturally expensive laundry machines down the hall.

I have interacted more closely with my roommates/friends and have learned to better love their quirks. 

I have taken quizzes and bubbled in exams. I have written papers on subjects that do not stir my soul. I have written out labs on methods that explain the unnecessary.

In these 8 weeks, I have learned ASL grammar, and tried not to let it interfere with English grammar, so, it does not confuse me with Spanish grammar.

I have contemplated graduating early, graduating on time, and not graduating at all.

At one time, my Kronos timecard had 29 extra hours that had to be spread out over multiple pay periods.

I have printed, laminated, hole-punched and cut more papers than necessary. I have never been more excited about color coding & organization. I have approved way too many substitution requests. My phone rings at the darkest hours because something happened and someone is freaking out.

My name has been shortened to Yess because sometimes it is too tiring to write out Yessenia, and Gmail has become my worst enemy and my best friend. 

My biggest accomplishment in these 10 weeks is learning to communicate more effectively by using the word, “slash”,  as a transition whilst speaking.

This idea works well because instead of pausing and fumbling for a socially acceptable (slash) creative way to connect two totally different thoughts, you just combine them into one BIG ”run-on” thought, with the word “slash”  scattered throughout.

Yep, ten weeks away from home and 8 weeks into this new semester that we call, “getting an education”, has given me the concept of “slash”. 

This weekend will be the first time in 8 weeks that I will be completely alone (almost). 

My sister will be in WI. Two of my roommates will be at a retreat. My family will be in Florida. My two best friends are deployed. Ava and Ally will also be gone. Teen will be home as well.  

And you know what?

I am excited! Not because these people distract me or they are a problem, but because I am just ready to be alone.

I have been fortunate enough in the past two years to live alone— at least for half the semester—, and the Lord has worked marvelously through that. My biggest fear for this third year was in my ability to maintain my “closet life” (with the Lord— Matthew 6:6). 

I have learned that it takes discipline to do so. It takes prioritizing, but it also takes balance.

For the past two years, I’ve was fed by the Lord in amounts that I do not deserve. I think most of it was for healing since my heart and soul were so wounded.

This year, I have been blessed with opportunities to share my experience and knowledge of the Lord with the people that surround me.

This year I value the closet time more than ever because it is out of overflow that I desire to speak, not out of necessity. Without personal connection with the Lord, without pain, without wrestling, without listening there is no overflow, just obligation.

At the same time, it has become difficult to set aside time to solely dwell on/ in the Lord, when someone is always around or something is always happening. (Those things in themselves are opportunities to glorify the Lord, but they do not do so if they take His place).

So, Laura, Mayra, Shelby, Ava, Ally, Teen, Mom, Dad, Manny, Adriel, Brian and Isaiah.

Thank you for leaving. I need my cup to be refilled and set on overflow mode, so that I can serve you better. 

Thank you for giving me the time I need to learn how to better combine my affections/desires, with my actions/intents. Thank you for showing me that my life and my Jesus should always be connected with a “slash”.

Sincerely,

Yessenia

Tuesday was a BIG day for me… in more ways than one. It was a big day personally, physically, spiritually, academically; you name it and it was scheduled to happen to me on Tuesday.

I won’t go into the details in order to spare you all from confusion and to keep myself from falling into self pity. We both win (:

Tuesday morning my body would not let me sleep past 730 am. My body wanted to be awake, and i tried everything to change my it’s mind. I knew Tuesday was going to try me emotionally (and in all the ways I listed above). So, I just wanted to sleep. Sleep it all away. Not in a depressed way, but in a self-defense kind of way. I was trying to protect myself.

Ok, needless to say, I ended up getting out of bed at 8am and I ran.

I ran through my thoughts, i ran through my reservations, i ran through my fears. i just ran. i ran my tiredness away. i ran. i ran and i listened to the Lord. i ran and heard, really heard, what He was trying to say and I had been too stubborn/busy to listen. I ran.

My day continued,  i studied my brains out. I took a 50 question exam in 15 minutes and I could not tell you what was on it. The following day I had two midterms, so I continued to study. All while, I was trying to find a way to convince my mind that reality was actually happening.

It is Thursday and I made it! I made it! I don’t care if no one else saw or knows what i went through, i made it. I am not really sure how I will continue to make it, but thats not something that I am concerned about right now because by God’s grace and His unending mercy, I will make it.

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what this has to do with running besides the fact that I ran Tuesday morning. haha.

It matters because I got up...I got up!! Do you understand that?

By the grace of God, I GOT UP….On day that had IMPENDING DOOM written all over it, I got up.

I got up, and got up EARLY*. I got up and not only did I get up, I RAN. I got up and I embraced the day that in my mind and in my planner had sad faces everywhere.

I got up and at the end of the day my IMPENDING DOOM, well, it doomed. There tears still flowed, and when I laid in my bed at 1am with my eyes sucked dry, and with my head oozing out audiograms, and with my stomach in disbelief to the fact that it had been fed, and with my heart, as confused and weary as it was, at peace, i was still right, the day had still happened to the degree that i had imagined.

That day (tuesday) was a beautiful disaster, but a disaster nonetheless. As much as I thank God for it, it was just a blur.

BUT it started with a run with my King, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.**

Today, I wanted to stay in my bed once more because reality was still crashing at my shore. The waves were gentler than on Tuesday, but even with the decreased impact their arrival was stark. They still arrived one after another, and with a sweetness to them they sang existence into my version of reality. Their articulation was so honest, and it seeped deep into my bones. In fear and in reflex, i retracted, and so, there i laid with a text to Teen filled with excuses. Despite my every attempt, the tune of existence resonated within me and with the consistent tempo of the waves, i knew. There, I knew. I felt the beauty that is steadfastness; the wonder that is the truth. The truth that I have a choice even when there are things I cannot change.

So, do you know what I did?

Yeah, thats right!

I GOT UP. I was given a gift and I got up to embrace it. I got up and went to the ARC. I met Teen and we lifted/ran. It was great!

On my 2mile run I couldn’t help but think about this:

What if I hadn’t gotten up? (both Tuesday & Thursday) 

If I hadn’t gotten up, I would probably still be alive. I would still have taken 3 exams in 16hrs. I would still have had to have said goodbye to one of my closest friends, but you know what? Im not really sure what else would be true if I had chosen not get up.

Im so blessed and grateful that I got up. I am beyond grateful for the strength that dwells within me.

I hope you choose to get up every single time.***

Truly,

Yessenia

*Early being a relative term

**Physically I did feel energized throughout the day. So, Im super glad for that benefit of running.

***Sometimes, I’m told that I see too much into things, but life is too short to be un-purposeful.